I would like to thank everyone who gave me their input. I have a few select friends outside the blogosphere who have given me ranging advice. One of the biggest issues is giving advice when you really only know one side of the story but some were very perceptive with the information given.
The “What if…” chronicles would not be complete if I didn’t mention the reason I divorced my wife. After my son was born, there was a lack of a physical relationship. I was patient with this. I figured there was a baby in the house. I figured this would change after an adjustment period. When it didn’t, I started opening up about the missing chemistry. When I did, that would solve things for a day. Subsequent times, my request was met with a heavy sigh but we talked and it resolved it for a day. But the cycle continued. Aside from talking, I tried romance, I tried various things to re-ignite the fire but…. the subsequent years, I just felt like I was in a loveless marriage. At one point, I was coming home from work and it was akin to a second job. Pay the bills, balance the check book, take out the garbage, fix or clean something and then when I was ready for bed… nothing. To avoid crawling out of my skin, the last few years I searched for my own happiness. (I was never unfaithful or anything like that).
If you have been following along with my “What If…” blogs, you will know that I gave a great deal of thought to rekindling with an ex. To sum her up, having a physical relationship is NOT an issue between us. The issue is, when it comes to feelings or emotions, it just makes her panic. I suspect this has been the underlying issue we have had throughout the time we dated. I figured after all these years and that we both agreed that we are “taking the opportunity to do it right”, that we would recognize each other’s issues and work together to make it a great relationship.
I have driven eleven or twelve hours to visit her and I’ve hopped on an airplane several times to visit her. Physically, we keep getting closer and closer. We have not been without issues over feeling/emotional issues. Certain things I have been able to recognize and generally I back off. ….but in doing so, I’m starting to stress over the wall she surrounds herself with. It’s rhetorical but how do we move forward when she backs away? It’s like a game we play… When I want to move forward, she gets all quiet and doesn’t contact me. In turn, when my needs aren’t met, I stop contacting her. Eventually, if I stop contacting her, she will eventually come out of her shell and contact me.
For “Christmas”, I came up with an awesome gift. We have been enjoying some of the sketches I have been sending her. (Not my sketches but ones I found on the internet).. and with that, an idea spawned. I asked her to send me a few pictures of me that she really likes. I took a few pictures of her and sent them off to one of the sketch artists online and asked that they sketch us together. I then had the sketch printed to canvas! (((AWESOME))). When I contacted her to see the best place to send it (not sure if the apartment would be the best place to send it in this day and age of porch pirates), she mentioned getting me a present but was going to hold off on giving it to me until we see each other next. (Uh, when are we going to see each other next- more on that later) but it really reeked to me that she hadn’t even considered any gifts for me. I’m not totally concerned about that. Anway, we did a FaceTime together the Thursday before Christmas and exchanged gifts. It was nice.
I mentioned above, she was going to give me my gift when she next say me. Here’s the thing… When I visited her last, I told her that I have been coming out to see her a great deal and I wanted her to visit me. While we were driving an hour to our destination, I gave her a mental vision of where I live and things one could do in and around town. I gave her this mental image to lead into her visiting me. At the same time, I told her I would be back in town in March. My son has an orchestra competition and I wanted her to be my guest. I gave her food for thought and told her to think about it. My plan for 2019 is to have her visit me once and for me to visit her outside of the March visit. Fair, right? The last time I talked to her, I brought it up and you could hear the excuses going through her mind, lol. I basically told her that it’s only fair and that she really needs to have some skin in the game. This was not about emotion and feeling, it was just about doing the fair thing. She’s got that damned wall up now about discussing trips.
She’s being silent now and.. well, I’m getting to the point in my thinking that this is just not healthy for me. As much as I love her and as much as I can be patient, I’m not sure being patient is the answer. She’s lived her entire life like this and I’m never going to get her out of her shell. The last thing I told her, as I noticed she was being silent, was: “Maybe I’m the one who should be taking a break. ” and “I would offer to take two baby steps back if you take two baby steps forward. What is it going to take?”.
When I first wrote the original “What if…” it was a long time ago. I was hoping the original story would have a happy ending. I thought… we are older and maturer now! She has some life long issues and I think the best thing I can do now is to actually take a step back and see if she will respond… but I can’t be in another relationships where my needs are not met. Ugh, I want to hold on but I think I’m just going to have to let go.