Coming home from my Thanksgiving trip, I had an air of confidence. It think we are closer than we have been. That being said, the most she will voice is that she cares for me. Knowing that feelings and emotions freak her out, I know I cannot broach the subject without her panicking or accusing me of fighting. I’m trying to step back from asking but not knowing is making me freak out, lol. In place of emotion, there is intimacy, we know each other well and we melt in each others arms without issue.
Getting back to the discussion of the Thanksgiving trip. I primed her with the thoughts of visiting me while I was there. I also kept priming that pump the day I left and when I got home. I wanted to put the bug in her mind. We communicate mostly through text message. I will occasionally email her if my thoughts are too long for a text. We occasionally talk on the phone. [We are currently trying to Facetime every other weekend due to our scheduled]. I mentioned to her the weekend after I got back that I wanted us to discuss her coming to visit me and we would follow up on that conversation when we did our FaceTime the following weekend. The weekend rolled around and she hadn’t even thought about it. I know she’s busy but how can you not? But she did comment, “What if we fight…?”. Obviously there is no way I can convince her that we won’t fight, she needs to be convinced of that herself. I do know that if she is not comfortable, she will make it a volatile situation. I mentioned to her that I have come out to see her about 6 times, she countered “Ah, I knew you would hold that against me”, but I explained that it had to do with the relationship being equitable. It generally works when I tell her that she needs to put some skin in the game…because frankly, not knowing what’s going on inside that head of hers has me scared to go all in.
The entire time I have known her, she has been very independent. She’s not afraid to go it alone. She doesn’t need help from anyone else. This was tough on my young male ego but I have learned to appreciate this about her. Years ago, after we broke up for good, I found out she was dating a guy I knew. I had known her for 10+ years at that point and I wanted to give her sage advice. I only told her to be careful, the guy was a womanizer and well… She was his next victim. As far as I know she only dated one other person in all the time I’ve known her. He gave up on her too. We broached the subject at some point and she told me she hadn’t been in a relationship in like ten years! Ten years!
She was content on being alone.
I always looked back and blamed myself for the failure of our relationship. In fact, I walked away from it not once but twice. My biggest complaint back then was that she put a wall up around herself and wouldn’t let me in. It was “her way or no way”. In one instance we were very loving but the next minute she was putting up her dukes, accusing me of fighting. As Jim asked in the comments on Part I, have I really changed? Yes, I have matured but no, i still wear my heart of my sleeve. Along the lines of Quixie’s comments… I’m quite sure she is uncomfortable about someone wanting her to come out of her shell. It’s funny because there’s a little game I play. When things get a little too pressurized, I usually go into quiet mode. This is a time that I allow her to decompress and given time, when she see’s that I have been quiet, she will text me. Honestly though, I just want both of us to meet in the middle as much as possible. The majority of the time, I have to do all the work to meet her at her own comfort spot. I’d like her to get out of her comfort zone. She needs to trust me and the process… and no, I’m not fighting, lol.
I am thrilled that we are getting this chance to do things right! But I don’t see her coming out of her comfort zone. I’m not sure this will work if she doesn’t. Out of love, do I just let her stay in her own comfort zone? Do I patiently work with her to make strides to exit the comfort zone? If this relationship is to work, the onus may be on me to better understand her and know when to back off. Hmm… Deep Thoughts…
That wraps up my current thoughts. There are some topics I didn’t cover but maybe there will be follow ups here or there. Thanks for listening!