In case you missed the first two parts:
Part 1
Part 2
Coming home from my Thanksgiving trip, I had an air of confidence. It think we are closer than we have been. That being said, the most she will voice is that she cares for me. Knowing that feelings and emotions freak her out, I know I cannot broach the subject without her panicking or accusing me of fighting. I’m trying to step back from asking but not knowing is making me freak out, lol. In place of emotion, there is intimacy, we know each other well and we melt in each others arms without issue.
Getting back to the discussion of the Thanksgiving trip. I primed her with the thoughts of visiting me while I was there. I also kept priming that pump the day I left and when I got home. I wanted to put the bug in her mind. We communicate mostly through text message. I will occasionally email her if my thoughts are too long for a text. We occasionally talk on the phone. [We are currently trying to Facetime every other weekend due to our scheduled]. I mentioned to her the weekend after I got back that I wanted us to discuss her coming to visit me and we would follow up on that conversation when we did our FaceTime the following weekend. The weekend rolled around and she hadn’t even thought about it. I know she’s busy but how can you not? But she did comment, “What if we fight…?”. Obviously there is no way I can convince her that we won’t fight, she needs to be convinced of that herself. I do know that if she is not comfortable, she will make it a volatile situation. I mentioned to her that I have come out to see her about 6 times, she countered “Ah, I knew you would hold that against me”, but I explained that it had to do with the relationship being equitable. It generally works when I tell her that she needs to put some skin in the game…because frankly, not knowing what’s going on inside that head of hers has me scared to go all in.
The entire time I have known her, she has been very independent. She’s not afraid to go it alone. She doesn’t need help from anyone else. This was tough on my young male ego but I have learned to appreciate this about her. Years ago, after we broke up for good, I found out she was dating a guy I knew. I had known her for 10+ years at that point and I wanted to give her sage advice. I only told her to be careful, the guy was a womanizer and well… She was his next victim. As far as I know she only dated one other person in all the time I’ve known her. He gave up on her too. We broached the subject at some point and she told me she hadn’t been in a relationship in like ten years! Ten years!
She was content on being alone.
I always looked back and blamed myself for the failure of our relationship. In fact, I walked away from it not once but twice. My biggest complaint back then was that she put a wall up around herself and wouldn’t let me in. It was “her way or no way”. In one instance we were very loving but the next minute she was putting up her dukes, accusing me of fighting. As Jim asked in the comments on Part I, have I really changed? Yes, I have matured but no, i still wear my heart of my sleeve. Along the lines of Quixie’s comments… I’m quite sure she is uncomfortable about someone wanting her to come out of her shell. It’s funny because there’s a little game I play. When things get a little too pressurized, I usually go into quiet mode. This is a time that I allow her to decompress and given time, when she see’s that I have been quiet, she will text me. Honestly though, I just want both of us to meet in the middle as much as possible. The majority of the time, I have to do all the work to meet her at her own comfort spot. I’d like her to get out of her comfort zone. She needs to trust me and the process… and no, I’m not fighting, lol.
I am thrilled that we are getting this chance to do things right! But I don’t see her coming out of her comfort zone. I’m not sure this will work if she doesn’t. Out of love, do I just let her stay in her own comfort zone? Do I patiently work with her to make strides to exit the comfort zone? If this relationship is to work, the onus may be on me to better understand her and know when to back off. Hmm… Deep Thoughts…
That wraps up my current thoughts. There are some topics I didn’t cover but maybe there will be follow ups here or there. Thanks for listening!
Story4today 
I read all 3 parts of this, (waited on this 3rd post to comment, actually). I remember being similar to the way this woman is being–with someone that I thought I wanted to date (and almost left my relationship at that time to make it happen). When it came time for the rubber to hit the road, I backed out. This man had also already moved probably 1/4 of his stuff from PA to Indiana to move in with me, and I backed out on him at the last minute because I kinda “faked it til I made it” to try to make it work because the guy was crazy about me. If you guys have known each other and been intimate as long as you have, and she still isn’t sure that she’s willing to give up her personal time to meet you in the middle, then that tells me (just from my own personal experience) that she is not ready for it, or flat out does not want it but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. The guy I mentioned above moved his stuff back to PA and we’re still friends, but I had to make a split-decision and back out at the last minute. And for comparison to another situation I’m currently in, I recently left my SO of almost 8 years for my current boyfriend–who hadn’t been in a relationship in over 11 years, and he had absolutely no reservations about getting with me or showing me what I needed to see to know that he was serious (I kept him at arms’ length and basically told him my every insecurity to see if he would run away). Everybody’s different, but just judging by my own personal experience with a situation similar to this, it sounds like it’s not what she wants.
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Lucinda!!! I think I told you before that you remind me of this girl. (In Mike’s IT area). That was a long time ago so you may not remember.
This helps me a great deal and I think our situation is a tad bit different. I think it is both 1. She knows what she wants and 2. She doesn’t know what she wants. She’s very comfortable in her world but once she steps outside of it, she is uncomfortable. She’s never been comfortable with feelings or emotions.
Even before I thought about rekindling with her, my mind has been considering a move back to NY. I think we broached the subject once and she felt it was necessary for me to get a place of my own and get settled in and even with that… She still works 4 jobs… one day off every 14 days!
I think she wants the relationship but under her terms. I have cold feet about moving back to NY. I have settled into an apartment, I’ve got a good job, the cost of living is cheap enough out here, If I really want to be a home owner again, the housing out here is pretty cheap… but yeah, if the sun, moon and stars all aligned, I’d probably move to NY in an instant.
I suspect she wants to maintain her comfort zone, so deep down I figure if we are to have a relationship, it is going to be her never leaving her comfort zone. The question is… is that something I can live with?… Dang, I’m someone who wants to get out of my comfort zone!!! The Appalachian trail was totally out of my comfort zone! I suppose if I want to get her out of her comfort zone, it’s got to be slow and patient.
But yeah, there is always possible that she likes that we have something and it’s possible she does not want a full fledged relationship. I don’t look at her reluctance to visit me as not wanting a relationship but rather she doesn’t want to leave her comfort zone. I think by writing, I’m trying to figure out in which direction I want to go with this. Thanks!
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So I finally get to hear more about the woman, the myth, the legend hahaha! Nice. Yea, I’d assume she probably has to work 4 jobs just to live in NY. In my case, I only get out of my comfort zone when I feel safe and protected, but when it comes to matters of emotional insecurity, not sure how I would feel about being pressured either. I had one moment with my BF where he almost got bent out of shape when I didn’t say I love you back in a message, but I chalk that up to him being 10 times more emotional than I am. I’ve kept up with your blog this whole time–I read everything, just don’t usually respond unless I feel I have something worthwhile to add. Maybe my insights will help you fix that ambivalence.
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It’s funny because I can’t even take a picture of her/us…. but in July when I was in NY, she okayed a hand holding picture which I’m pretty sure I posted on Facebook. Then on the roller coaster we went on…. It takes pictures of you on the ride that you can purchase… much to her dismay, I purchased the picture, lol. In regards to how much she works, I was like “Move out here and you only need one job”
I think my plan is just going to go with the flow. I talked to her last night to follow up about coming out here to visit, she hasn’t ruled it out but I could see that she isn’t comfortable with it. I mentioned things need to be equitable and she really needs to put some skin in the game. I think when I reason with her…gently.. we usually find compromise.
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