A thought crossed my mind and it was almost a feeling of loss. I felt like two different entities.There was the old me and the new me and I had to make a decision to let the old one go. That is what I am pondering this weekend leaving my old self behind.
By no means am I saying the new self is perfect, and that the old self was horrible, I think we can all admit to mistakes in the past and becoming a better person is the ultimate goal. What do I keep from my old self? What do I leave behind?
There are many things I hold onto from my past such as friends and memories. Mentally, I hold that my friends are still my friends despite all this time, despite responsibilities of their own. I look at the groups I belong to and wonder why I am still involved with them.
Can I leave my fear of uncertainty with my past self?
Can I leave my negativity with my past self?
Can I leave bad habits with my past self?
Do I leave those past memories with my past self?
Do I leave my old friends with my past self?
Do I leave the groups that I have grown out of?…with my past self.
The doubt I have in my mind is coming from the “Default”. I may have mentioned the “Default” before, it is your first instinctive reaction, mine in Negative. I say that’s my default but I have been trying to change what the default is and I have to admit, changing the default is difficult. What you need to change your “default” is a positive attitude. You need to practice. When you feel that Negative Default arise you need to realize it and correct it. Even if you have already been negative, correct it. If it was directed towards someone, be quick to apologize and take corrective action. It is difficult to admit that you are wrong, especially when you have to express it to a person, but how else will you correct it in the future?
In hindsight, after writing this, I understand that I cannot answer all these questions all at once in one fell swoop. The answers will come and I will take action when appropriate to do so. I think what happened, though, as I described in an earlier blog, I defined Buddhist heaven and hell realms as different levels of enlightenment or different levels of the mind. Maybe I just hit a new level of consciousness?
Whatever it might be, I am enjoying this adventure of self discovery.